7107 International Music Festival: Anong Shit Nito?

Alright, we must admit it: we, the Shit Keepers, are big fans of the Red Hot Chili Peppers and were more than just happy to hear that they were coming here–we were positively thrilled. An opportunity to hear Californication performed live, with all that crisp bass and finger-licking guitar? Hearing some solid stadium rock anthems from these rockers instead of a shitty cover band while nursing a beer in some shady bar in Malate? GOD DAMN IT, DO YOU SEE? Are we on the same page now?

…But.

(And this has got to be a pretty big but, because we are talking about watching live a band we have worshipped since we painted our nails black as an homage to these men.)

We need to have a talk, 7107 International Music Festival organizers. We all dig ourselves into a hole sometimes, and we, for the love of RHCP, are here to prevent you from turning that hole into a grave.

A brief background, for the uninitiated: the lead-up to the announcement of the complete lineup for #7107IMF was a looong, torturous ride (from late last year all the way into 2014), littered with random “flash sales” and “early bird promos” and positively buried under rumors of performing international acts ranging from outlandish to just plain absurd. Kanye West? MGMT? Daft Punk? Drake? Arctic Monkeys? BEYONCE AND JAY??? As is the case when reality < expectations, naturally quite a number of people were disappointed (to say the least) when none of the acts they had so fervently wished for turned up on the roster. Needless to say, the fact that they started selling tickets (and promoting said tickets) before the complete lineup was revealed was shady as fuck, and felt an awful lot like gambling, except minus the cigar smoke and the noise of slot machines.

So first off, what the fuck is your much-touted 7107 street team doing?

Going viral on Facebook: parody of the #7107IMF lineup

Oh sure, they did a great job hyping it up, but see this backlash? The burden is on your shoulders now to dispel all the negativity and banish the critics to a special circle of hell. This should be no problem for your street team–college athletes, showbiz personalities, partygoing aficionados who all should be used to the rise and fall of public opinion. By which we mean: the public will always turn, Jesus, were you people born yesterday? Y’all can’t be that young.

And yet what have they done? Just kept shouting at the free peoples of the Internet, banging on their drums and fanning the flames even more.

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Oh, ye children. Hustlers gonna hustle, and all, but you need to be smarter, guys.  So much havoc could have been wreaked with all this eager manpower (spampower???).

And then let’s talk patrons. If it hasn’t been made blindingly obvious by the choice of promoters displayed above, this is a bourgeois party, and you can’t sit with us. Yes, we are aware that the Philippines has indeed been hailed as an economic rising star; however, it shouldn’t come as a surprise to the organizers that they would be construed as a possible money laundering scheme by Janet Napoles‘ cohorts. To be certain, they were certainly quick to nip this particular story in the bud: read their response here.

We’ve been to a few concerts both here and abroad, and have come to the consensus that Php10,000 for a general admission pass (no promo) is a decent prize for the top four headlining acts alone: Red Hot Chili Peppers, Empire of the Sun, Kaskade, and Kendrick Lamar. Consider that these are acclaimed musical acts that have never been to the Philippines before. Consider also that the 10k price tag is for a two-day music festival featuring a bunch of other artists. When Maroon 5 performed in the Philippines last September 2012, patron VIP tickets cost the same price. So, shrug: it’s a matter of taste, we guess.

Where the #7107IMF peeps fucked up (and fucked up spectacularly) is not taking into account that they are catering to a large and loud audience who are willing to pay, but who don’t like being teased and led on. (A little expectations management goes a long way, bud!) They know what to expect. These kids have probably been to Coachella, or Laneway, or Tomorrowland. If you’re going to build up all this hype, you better be prepared to give them what they paid for. If you promised a large international lineup and didn’t deliver, well, then, can you blame the public for pointing at you and calling you a sham? No one likes paasas (like cabs that have their light on even when they already have a passenger).

Really not the way we would have handled things, darling. (Tina Herrera is the executive producer of 7107 International Music Festival.)

Sooo many things about the festival were shady and could have been done so much better. For example, how exactly will proceeds benefit victims of Typhoon Yolanda? Did they partner up with a charity or an NGO? Is Red Hot Chili Peppers secretly going to sing to the victims the way Justin Bieber did (oh, God, we just compared RHCP to Bieber, help)? Details, please.

And so, we must ask our dear #7107IMF team:

ANONG SHIT NIYO?

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United Nationalist Alliance: ANONG SHIT NIYO?

Dear Congressman Tiangco,

Tobias-Tiangco

Hi. We admit that you inject some much-needed sartorial spice into the drab and dreary halls of our legislature but you really need to stop shitting around. Think of all the grey suits you’ll ruin!

We’ve been up in the mountains so this is maybe a week late, but whatever happened to the (so-called) United Nationalist Alliance?

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Apparently, Chiz Escudero, Loren Legarda, and Grace Poe-Llamanzares have all been dropped from the UNA senatorial slate. Gosh, guys. We know you guys are really busy being all congressman-ly, running the country to the ground and shit, so you probably don’t have time to brush up on the Oxford Dictionary but we don’t think you’re getting the “United” part correctly.

Don’t bother denying it, Rep. Tiangco, you said it yourself:

“It is clear that they have made up their minds. We need to move on.” [source]

Really liking the drama of that statement!!! It makes the UNA campaign manager sound like the bitter ex who was left at the altar and is trying to take the high road but would SO CLEARLY still jump at a happy reunion (on HIS terms, of course). Or like the little kid throwing a tantrum because it doesn’t want to share toys. (Of course, Rep. Tiangco’s metaphor for the whole thing is a girl who leads two boys on, which is fucking ridiculous because they agreed to the stupid set-up in the first place.)

Now we’ll be the first to say that all these “guest candidates” shenanigans are bullshit and nothing good will come out of it. So maybe it’s good that Chiz, Loren and Grace are finally firmly in Springfield, bathing in a warm yellow glow, but we like a good fight here in ANONG SHIT MO? and it just makes us sad that UNA is giving up. I mean, giving up Chiz, Loren and Grace, who are in the #1, #2, and #5 spots in the latest SWS survey…THAT’S JUST POLITICAL SUICIDE, GUYS.

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We’re no political analyst, but they might as well just hand Team PNoy a gold star and 12 shiny seats already. Someone tell COMELEC that the May elections will not push through on account of the main opposition basically flopping over and asking begging to be steamrolled.

How did that go down in UNA HQ? “Guys, ilang beses nang ‘di sumisipot sina Chiz, Loren at Grace sa mga rally natin. Wala man lang public display of affection para satin! Ah ganun? MANIGAS SILA!” Vice President Jejomar Binay went so far as to issue an ultimatum to the three–make up your mind or leave. HAHAHA GREAT MOVE, SIR! Way to show ’em who’s in charge!

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Way to repay your kingmaker, VP Binay! (brief review: Chiz Escudero was basically the “godfather” of the Noy-Bi movement during the 2010 elections)

The problem is that UNA was under the severely misguided impression that they would crawl back on their knees. Again:

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Meanwhile, Chiz is off somewhere, flipping his hurr like no big deal whatevs, responding to it with:

Ah, bad news ba yun?” [source]

OOOH, BURN LEVEL: CHIZ ESCUDERO! BOOM PAK! Grace and Loren both also released statements, but they kept it classy (aka boring) and were all like, aww thanks for having us guys, but if you don’t want us we’re totally cool with it coz it’s not like we needed you or whaevaaaa…

On the bright side: time to shine, Nancy Binay!!! Iyong iyo na ang spotlight! Seeing as both JV Ejercito and Jack Enrile are on their way out, due to the recent Commission on Audit report linking Senator Jinggoy Estrada and Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile in the unauthorized release of pork barrel funds to a bogus NGO. Which Cong. Tiangco was quick to point out was a “demolition job” by the LP to discredit UNA. Oh no no, that was hardly a “demolition job”–if anything, it was the LP playing with its food before swallowing it whole come May.

So, because we’re really wondering where their fucking head is at this crucial stage in the game, we must ask the United Nationalist Alliance:

ANONG SHIT NIYO?

***

*this originally started out as a love letter to the Honorable Gentleman from Navotas, but then we had more fun with UNA so we changed the title*

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Nancy Binay: ANONG SHIT MO?

Hello, world! The Shit Keepers are back! Just in time for the campaign season, when the air is fresher and the garbage smells sweeter because the politicians are the one stinking up the atmosphere. Campaign season, you say? Well, dear readers, we make it clear: this is hunting season, and it is up to you if you become the hunter or the prey. 😉 We have no intention of being shot down by false hope and empty promises, so we’re taking potshots of our own. Top of the list…you guessed it. NANCY BINAY, COME ON UP!

This is Nancy Binay at the 2012 State of the Nation Address at the Batasang Pambansa. I’m pretty sure this is the closest that dear Nancy has been to actually doing something for this country.

And yet, what is this? We find dear Nancy on the ballot as a member of the United Nationalist Alliance (UNA) senatorial slate. Not just ON the slate–but LEADING IT! Did someone RSVP Toby Tiangco “regret to inform u cannot make it to senate in 2013 tnx 4 invite”? [Clue: Shmoey de Shmenecia III would like to focus on making money] Because we cannot for the life of us recall Nancy Binay doing anything…except being the daughter of Vice President Jejomar Binay.

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WHY, NANCY, WHY? Was the great city of Makati too small for your ambitions? We here at ANONG SHIT MO? would like to get a copy of the resume Nancy is holding in the picture, so we can then proceed to use it as scratch paper–God knows it will be blank enough.

Nancy Binay graduated with a bachelor’s degree in Tourism at the University of the Philippines-Diliman. She served as personal assistant to her father during his term as mayor and for housing concerns after his election in 2010. The 39-year-old Nancy Binay has been part of UNA as deputy secretary-general. (source)

Thanks for clearing that up, Rappler! Must have been hard going through all her achievements and squeezing it all in one paragraph, GET YOUR EDITOR SOME CAKE, OKAY?

At least she has made her allegiances clear, supporting UNA’s “daang maganda” with her statements on “Black is beautiful!” UUUUMMMM, HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, GIRL. You are not black. You are not African-American. Black History Month just ended, girl. Stop offending people with your face.

And can we please move on from this “Kay Binay, gaganda ang buhay” shit?

More like gaganda ang buhay…kung ikaw ay isang Binay. According to this article, dear Nancy is against the divorce bill because she thinks “the government should strengthen the family, not break it up”–yes, we definitely would NOT want to break up the ties that bind. Strengthen the Binay dynasty! Viva Binay!

One look at her Twitter bio and a cursory Google search, and it’s obvious what her angle is: “mom to 4 kids and wife”? Being reluctant to run but finally becoming convinced that it was for the good of the nation? Oh sweetie, you are no Cory Aquino. Again, stop offending people with your face.

We would write more, but we have nothing else to go upon. As in, we literally ran out of things to talk about because she hasn’t done anything. She has nothing, guys. No public advocacy. No previous legislative experience. No major shining accomplishments in civic society. She wants you to vote for her because:

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Yup, we’re out. We leave you with this:

Yes po. Binay candy po yan. Ibang level ng epalitician! Edible na!

And as always, we ask you this, dear Mrs. Maria Lourdes Sombilao Binay:

ANONG SHIT MO?

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Related reading: A scathing op-ed on the Philippine Daily Inquirer which just about sums it all up.

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Mitos Magsaysay: ANONG SHIT MO?

Playing the victim (and playing it well)

Ah, Mitos.

A little past 7 AM on August 07, Tueday morning, as a southwest monsoon drenched the nation, Ms. Outstanding Congressman 2004-2009 made some waves herself by tweeting:

Save for the gloomy and foreboding tone, we might have let that one slip. After all, what are the chances that she is referring to *drum roll please* House Bill 4244? A majority of lawmakers had moved to end debates on the said bill and open the floor for amendments just the previous day. Cong. Magsaysay has been one of the more, shall we say, vocal opponents of the bill, claiming her stand is based not on religion or morality.

But how could anyone be thinking of the RH Bill at a time of grave calamity??? (More than you think, apparently. Gotta love the logic and reason on display here.)

Netizens immediately jumped into the fray, chastising the Zambales solon for her tweet.

Not one to shy away, Cong. Magsaysay then assumed her defensive stance and began crying foul, claiming the critics misinterpreted her tweet, which was *of course* a lament for the sad state of our forests.

Okay. We believe you. I mean, SRSLY U GUISE. She’s been so busy packing relief goods and coordinating rescue operations the whoooole day, she does not have time to worry about contraception and the wrath of God, okay? In fact, she positively resents any allegations to the contrary.

But with Twitter folk still hitting her left and right about getting to the root of the problem (root…deforestation…get it? Harhar), Rep. Magsaysay started to throw some punches of her own…at Budget Secretary Butch Abad, whom she claims has been holding funds hostage for the past two years.

Ah, okay. Favorite topic?

For those who are interested, the rest of the Magsaysay family hadn’t been sitting around twiddling their thumbs – oh no siree. They’ve been selflessly sacrificing their time and…what do we have here.

MMMMM. Jobo Rice. Best with a nice warm glass of ANONGSHITMO? Even if are not an elected official, as your mother has asserted several times, and just, you know, running for Congress in 2013, there is something inherently wrong with plastering your face all over relief goods. “Mga sinalanta ng bagyo! Ako si Jobo Magsaysay at ito ang biyayang ibibigay ko sayo. Sumamba sa aking paa! Halik! Halik sa lupa!”

And just like any momma bear, Mitos defended her (insensitive) (irresponsible) (epal) cub, stating that the rice is NOT from the National Food Administration nor, for that matter, from any other government agency because (and here we go again) hey oh! She doesn’t have her priority development assistance fund! She doesn’t have her priority development assistance fund! Wala daw talaga!

Crab mentali!” (truly a rousing war chant for the history books) Is it *bad* to sell commercial rice with Jobo Magsaysay’s face all over it? I mean, he isn’t even a politician…yet. Come on guys. This a commendable effort.

I need to mop up all the sarcasm dripping from that paragraph. Hold on.

I make the tentative suggestion that perhaps the heavens are crying over her hypocrisy and lack of tact.

Since you seem so eager to engage citizens on the Internet (oh wait, wasn’t that you who blocked people on Twitter for debating you on the RH Bill?), we ask you this, dear Ms. Ma. Milagros Mitos Habana Magsaysay:

ANONG SHIT MO?

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